The Ring is Stuck
by Brothers Grimm
Summary: The story has changed a little, but you'll like the same. Frodo escapes the wraiths. Have fun. The ring finally gets stuck again.
1. Chapter 1

I

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Disclaimer: I do not own the lord of the rings anything.

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"What!" shouted Frodo. "You need to destroy the Ring," said Gandalf.

"Why?"

"Because."

"Why?"

"Damn you Frodo! You have to! Your uncle passed the ring to you and you are responsible!" "Okay…" replied Frodo solemnly. "Go now, I need think." said Gandalf rubbing his temples. _Bang. _"What the hell was that?" Frodo had left the room at this point and Gandalf was alone. _Ugh- bang. _Gandalf grabbed his staff and went to the window, which was where the sound was coming from. "Who the hell is there?" Gandalf brought down his staff through the window and smacked something.

"Jeeeez! What was that?" shouted Frodo running into the room. Gandalf pulled a fat little hobbit out of the broken window. "E, I meant no 'arm mister Baggins!" squealed the fat hobbit. "Dammit. You broke my window!" shouted Frodo. "Samwise Gamgee! What are you doing creeping around the house at night?" demanded Gandalf. "Er, um, trimmin' yonder hedge."

"I smell apple about him," said Gandalf. "Oh, you eating apples out the tree in the back?" questioned Frodo. "Er, …Yes sir."

"Why" asked Frodo

Sam's lip trembled "I was 'ungry…"

"Why?"

"Gammer doesn't feed me any more."

"Why?"

"She says I'm fat and need to lose weight." Gandalf hit him with the stick again. "You're going with Frodo," he said.


	2. II

II

The following morning something hit Gandalf in the face. "Wha- huh?" he groaned. "BACON!" screamed Frodo at Gandalf. "What do you mean? You have bacon ready to eat or you want me to make bacon or is it a good day to make bacon on?" "All of them at once." replied Frodo. Gandalf sat up in the chair he slept in.

"I hear that every time I come back here," he said to Frodo. "Bacon!" he screamed once more. Gandalf looked at him with disgust, stupid blue eyes, stupid fingernails, stupid face, and stupid.

"Tell 'im no, 'e'll leave you alone then." said Sam who had come into the room. "That doesn't answer the question though," whined Gandalf. "Bacon!" "NO!" boomed Gandalf. Frodo looked at him and pranced off. "Thank you." said Gandalf to Sam.

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Later in the day Sam and Frodo went around Hobbiton laughing raucously at the hobbit girls. "Oh! Look at that one! BIG!" said Sam. Only when the girl's fathers ran after them with axes and pitchforks did they understand the dangers involved in being vulgar.

"Crap!" an arrow whizzed by. One of the fathers had a bow! Frodo smashed the Ring onto his fat finger. He then ran a different direction than the way the mob was chasing Sam.

After a few minutes he ran back home. When he got inside he tried to pull the Ring off. He slammed his hand on the wall when he realized it was stuck, which didn't work… "Who the hell is there?" shouted a voice. _Damn, that's Gandalf. _Thought Frodo. _Better have some fun…_

_Whap! Clatter! _Heard Gandalf. "Who the _hell_ is there?" he shouted. A rough pinch bit his arm "DAMN! What's goin' on?" A feminine giggle answered._ Frodo! _Thought Gandalf furiously._ I'll kill him! _A moment later Gandalf heard what sounded like a baby getting smacked by a spatula. _Frodo musta ran into a door._ Gandalf thought.

_Whap!_ Gandalf punched his staff where he thought Frodo was. A groan confirmed this, plus a squirt of blood spurted out of the air. "Owowowow! That hurt Gandalf!" screamed a voice, Frodo's. "Tch… you pinched me." he replied.


	3. III

III

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Notice:

To loyal reviewers and newcomers! I've had more people who looked at the story than actually reviewed it! The review button is at the bottom of the screen! You anonymous reviewers can review!

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With lots of butter the Ring slipped off Gandalf then punched Frodo in the nose causing more blood to spurt out. "The Ring is _not_ to played with!" shouted Gandalf. Frodo cried loudly. "Shut up!" shouted Gandalf very angrily; he was not going to put up with sissies and retards. (Sam was unconscious by the way)

"You're mean!"

"I know!"

"Wah!"

"Shut up!"

"You're _really_ mean!"

"Do you know why?"

"… No…"

"Because of you're damn uncle, he was an idiot!"

"I wish you die," said Frodo. He looked at Gandalf with a stupid looking expression, which was supposed to be a scary, mess-with-your-mind-kind-of-conniving expression. Gandalf laughed harshly at Frodo's twisted face. Sam cracked an eye open. "As for you, Samwise Gamgee! You will be punished severely!" said Gandalf looking at Sam with contempt. Sam shut his eyes quickly.

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Gandalf stalked out of the room. Frodo eyed the Ring and got a wicked idea in his head… Frodo slipped on the Ring and followed Gandalf. Frodo clucked like a chicken behind Gandalf. Gandalf whipped around to see nothing. "Stupid chicken…" muttered Gandalf.

Frodo giggled. "What the hell!" shouted Gandalf really pissed. He turned around again and still saw nothing. Gandalf got angry, he knew who was pissing around with him. He uttered a spell under his breath.

Frodo felt sharp yank, his underwear was ripped up over his head by an invisible force. "Aaaah!" Frodo screamed girly-like. "Ugh! I cannot believe you!" shouted Gandalf hysterically. "Why can't you behave!"

"I don't know!"

"Well this'll teach you!"

"Uh-oh." whimpered Frodo. A good number of beatings punished Frodo.

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That night Frodo asked the question to make the havens mad. A question so terrible, parental figures all over the world would never like to answer. A question so great that it could not be explained completely in one, single night. "Where so babies come from?" Gandalf got up from the table and raised his staff and pointed at Frodo. "May the heavens conde-." "I'll handle this Gandalf," squeaked Sam.


	4. IV

IV

Once again with tons of butter the ring came off. "GAHH!" screamed Gandalf. "I think I'm going to commit suicide!" "Well I don't know!" shouted Frodo. "You're twenty-three, Frodo," said Sam "you don't know?" Frodo shook his head vigorously. Gandalf sobbed. Frodo looked at him and offered his crusty sleeve. Gandalf looked at it with disgust. Then he looked at Frodo's stupid grinning face. He sobbed once more.

"I hate you," said Gandalf. "I really do." "You're welcome!" screamed Frodo. Gandalf got up and broke into Bilbo's liquor cabinet. "Mmmmm… Ah! Fifty years ago, that'll do." He popped the cork and drank the entire bottle. He threw it at Frodo who stuck out his head and tried to break it, which worked. Frodo's ears were bleeding when he sat back in his chair.

Sam belched loudly and went to his house. "Well, I'm gonna go to s-sleep!" slurred Gandalf. Frodo fell out of his chair and slept on the wood floor. As Gandalf went by he kicked Frodo in the face.

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The following morning everyone met and talked. Sam had gotten raped going home and had an STD. Frodo got a splinter in an uncomfortable area. You'd think Gandalf had a hangover, but wizards have no after-effects after drinking an entire bottle of liquor. "Hello Sam!" said Gandalf cheerfully. He had woken up feeling very fresh. "Ehhh…" groaned Sam painfully.

"What's wrong?"

"Got…eh… raped."

"By what!"

"Ehh… a… girl…"

"I find that extremely unlikely."

"I know."

Gandalf turned away from Sam who was groaning in pain, and looked at Frodo. "Hello."

Frodo's face had healed from everything the wizard had abused it with. Frodo tried to scowl, but the wizard once again laughed at his twisted face. "Pff… you look like a retard." he said even more happily.

"You're mean."

"I know."

"You do!"

"Of course."

"Jiminy! I don't even know!"

"You're stupid."

"Wow! You read my entire life's meaning!"

Gandalf laughed cruelly. "I like to see you suffer." With that he kicked Frodo in the balls, or where they were supposed to be. Frodo didn't even flinch; he looked at Gandalf and said. "That didn't hurt!" "Gee I wonder why," said Gandalf sarcastically. Frodo put on the ring and vanished. "Damn it Frodo! I beat the shit out of you when you put that thing on!"


	5. V

V

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Notice: the end of the story has come! This is the last chapter!

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Frodo ran from the room. "Ahhh!" he screamed. "Catch me!" Gandalf picked up his staff. He watched the front yard carefully. He saw the bushes rustle and everything on the lawn fall over and break. Gandalf's eyes widened. "There!" _BANG!_ A huge lightning bolt erupted from the tip of Gandalf's staff. _Zzzzzzzt! _"Aow!" came a voice from where Gandalf shot his staff.

Smoke was rising from an unknown place atop the grass. Gandalf smiled triumphantly. "Still the hottest staff in Middle Earth," he said to himself. "And the sexiest." Sam stared stupidly. "Wow!" he said. Gandalf raided an eyebrow. Sam jumped back. "Don't 'urt me!" Gandalf laughed evilly.

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'I command you' became a favorite command around Hobbiton for Gandalf. Soon Gandalf was Lord of the Hobbits. He commanded armies, homes, hobbit lives, everything! Gandalf, I am sorry to say, had become a… communist.

"Hah-hah!" laughed Gandalf. "Send in the wretch!" The guards threw a small old man to the marble floor. (Gandalf forced the hobbits to build a great kingdom for him.) " 'Ere… er… Lord, Fibble took one of my chickens… 'E… then shot my dog in the arse with an arrow." with that he brandished a really crappy arrow presumably shot by Fibble the Fat.

"He shot your dog in the ass…with an arrow?" asked Gandalf in an impatient manner. "I mean what the hell, just go kill him." "Really my Lord? Oh thank you, and I will bring 'is 'ead to you personally!" squeaked the little man happily. He scurried out of the palace. Sam leaned forward; he was one of Gandalf's advisors. "You just started a war, my Lord." "I know, but it's not my war is it? Which makes me really cool." Sam leaned back and rolled his eyes.

(O yea! Frodo is probably on you minds now. He was thrown in to a pit of prisoners. Gandalf had pried his Ring off and kept it for himself to look at and admire to no end. Hope that clears something up!)

Gandalf plucked an apple from a wondrous pile of fruit he took from the hobbit's trees every morning as half their tax. _Bang-bang._ "Holy shit," Gandalf looked at who entered his throne room. "What the hell are you doing here?" Gandalf looked at Aragorn.

"It's time to go."

"But I have a kingdom now!"

"NO! You signed up for this you're doing it!"

"No." said Gandalf turning away with a pouty expression on his face. "Come on, I'll help you release Frodo." It took a few moments for Gandalf to decide what to do. "Alright." he said finally. They went to a grimy pit and opened the cage door. "Get out bitches!" shouted Gandalf. "Move it!" Aragorn yelled.

Out came Frodo. He was dirty and he had soiled himself in the pit. "You look disgusting." pointed out Sam. Frodo said "Poop tastes good." he was only a mite delirious. (He knew this already).

So started the Fellowship of the Ring. After rounding up Frodo's drunken cousins they were off on the journey of a lifetime. Gandalf went to the library and harassed the women there and all returned to normal in Hobbiton.

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I don't want the story to end, but I can't think of anything else. And I want to do a new story. Loyal reviewers, you rock!


	6. VI

VI

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Notice: I have changed my mind. This story will end much later… It was way too much fun to write.

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"Hey! I want to rule again! Goodbye!" shouted a very drunken Gandalf. He ran down the stairs of a whorehouse and burst out of the doors screaming like there was no tomorrow.

"Back to work bitches!" he screamed as he jumped into the old kingdom the hobbits created. "Back to WORK! NOW!" He threw multiple bottles of liquor at people and walls.

"Ahh!" screamed the hobbits. "The wicked king has returned!" Gandalf flipped them off and swore a whole lot. Hobbit slaves ran about town spreading the news that there would be a meeting of the people in the kingdom's court.

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"Wassup! I am Baaaaaack! And I am here to stay! I am GANDALF! The Communist… You all _will _refer to me as Gandalf the Communist, forever! Hahahahaha!"

The hobbits cringed as Gandalf screamed more and more manically. "Heehee!" Gandalf ended.

The hobbits looked dumbstruck… they chattered amongst themselves. 'I thought 'e was dead.' and 'O my he's back!' were just some of the remarks that were heard. Gandalf raised his staff.

"SILENCE!" he bellowed. The effect was almost immediate. "You will be my slaves. You will be my army… You will be my PEOPLE!" he bellowed once again. The hobbits stared at Gandalf the Communist.

"Ya!" The hobbits screamed. Although there were a few who rebelled, it didn't last long. Gandalf was loved by the hobbits. The newly elected leader pressed orders upon the hobbits. Some were told to return Frodo and Sam to him for they were 'challengers' of the hobbits and Gandalf. Others were told to march to war for the ultimate battle of all time, which Gandalf knew about before it started.

The majority of the time spent at Hobbiton was spent fortifying and training the hobbits to defend the 'greatest capital in Middle Earth'. The hobbits ate this up, for they believed in their new leader to bring hobbits to command the world.

The reward for the newly founded fellowship, which had reached news the other day, was two tons of apricots and 2,000 gold pieces. Gandalf trained a special team of hobbits to take down big game: Legolas, Aragorn, and etc. Gandalf raised an empire to crush everything.


	7. VII

VII

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Hello. fanfiction is where I go to when I am happy and fictionpress is where I go to feel dark.

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The hobbits ran about doing chores for Gandalf the Communist. Who will up his system later and become Gandalf the Capitalist. In 5…4…3…2…1. "I am Gandalf the Capitalist! Your profits will go to the cooperation! Hahaha!" The stupid hobbits cheered and loved Gandalf.

"We will become the greatest country in Middle Earth! And definitely the sexiest!" The hobbits cheered and screamed in joy at their leader's words. "Yes, my people! However… we must find Frodo Baggins and Samwise Gamgee."

"GROAR!" the hobbits shouted, "We will find them! Lord Gandalf! Lord Gandalf!" all the hobbits screamed and ran for their pitchforks and hatchets. Gandalf laughed manically.

He yelled to his squad of special ops hobbits. "Find them and kill them, then bring back their heads." The hobbits nodded. They were trained to handle weapons of mass destruction: trolls, orcs, and magical items.

The team ran off. Gandalf plotted his next move._ I already have the hobbits loyalty; I just need them to conquer the world now… huh… I am good…_ A stupid butterfly that landed on Gandalf's face interrupted his thoughts. "Die!" he smacked his face with his hand. _Squish._ "Ew! I HATE butterflies!" He stormed off with an evil thought: _kill all butterflies, but not moths, moths rock! _Another stupid object came up to him. Gaffer.

" 'ello! I 'eard you want to kill my kin."

"Yes."

"Well, I was wondering…"

"Yes?"

"Could I kill my kin and get a reward?"

Gandalf looked at Gaffer and said, "Sure." Gandalf thought _I am even turning families against themselves! I am going to control Middle Earth. _

"Well…er…how much will I get for killing him?"

"You will get 2,000 gold pieces and two tons of apricots."

"O wonderful!"

"Yes, if you have bowel problems."

"And I do!"

Gandalf cringed. "Just go find Sam, okay?" Gaffer ran off like a drunken elder, which is what he was. "Heh." Gandalf was amazed.


	8. VIII

VIII

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Hello, again. Obviously the story line has changed but, it is still good, I am told. Keep reading. This chapter will be a little longer than the rest. Happy reviewers?

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Gandalf walked down the road and went into Farmer Maggot's crop. "'Ey! I throw Grip out 'ere! Leave!" shouted the farmer from inside his home. Gandalf could hear dogs barking within the home. "Ger 'um!" came a voice and a huge dog walked out and sat down trying to lick it's head.

"Hello! I am Gandalf the Capitalist." Gandalf walked out and sat down on the porch. He petted Grip. Maggot came out with an axe.

"Who are you?"

"Gandalf. Gandalf the Capitalist."

"Reeeally?"

"Yeeeess."

"Hmm," Maggot scratched his chin. "Gandalf… with fireworks?" Gandalf nodded. The farmer set down his axe. "A capitalist now?" Gandalf nodded again. "Huh. Yore rather strange… but I believe ya." Gandalf smirked. They both shook hands.

Gandalf explained everything to Maggot, about his kingdom, taxes, less food for people, and how profits went to the corporation. Maggot scratched his face a lot while Gandalf explained. He then laughed when Gandalf was through and said, "What if I refuse?"

"You will be killed."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Well I refuse."

"Okay."

"See ya."

Maggot walked back inside grabbing his axe as he went. "Time to fortify." Gandalf heard him say under his breath.

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Back at Hobbiton

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Gandalf set a rally at night and shouted to them. "My people, we have a resistor he will be killed when we catch him and we can sleep peacefully at night for he is a killer!" Gandalf went on lying and rallying his people to fight the resistor.

"Yes, and I, Gandalf the Capitalist, will lead you to fight him!" The hobbits screamed with joy. "And I believe that there are more resistors at his house!" The hobbits screamed once more. But someone shouted 'What's his name!' The hobbits all murmured in agreement. "Silence! His name is Farmer Maggot!"

"RAH!" screamed the hobbits. We will destroy all resistors! Gandalf chuckled evilly. "We must not forget Frodo and Sam though my people! Send troops to both Maggot's farm and to find Frodo and Sam!"

"YES! We will find them sir!" cried the hobbits. Gandalf pointed the directions. He cheered them on and shouted incoherently.

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Farmer Maggot's

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Maggot had fortified his farm well. He had chopped out his dry crops and brought them inside. He also chopped his green crops out of the field too. Looking at the farmer's land now he had completely destroyed all brush over the ground. _They will not burn my place to the ground easily. _He thought.

Going inside he boarded up all windows and doors, trapping himself inside with all his food and water. Soon he heard shouts and cries like a bird, he didn't board up one door and that was for his friends to come through and help him fight Gandalf's army.

Three friends showed up. They nodded and boarded up the door. Just in time! The army was there ten minutes after they boarded up the door. The four nocked arrows and prepared for the Fight of the Farm. "We have come!" boomed a voice outside.


	9. IX

VIIII

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Hello! Welcome Back! The story line has been kinda changed…

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The Farmer and his men had just nocked their arrows when a huge crash was heard. "What the hell was that!" shouted Maggot loudly. Seven arrows from Gandalf's army broke through the window and hit the wall. The crash was a box sliding off a pile of laundry.

"Surrender!" shouted a voice.

"Never! Rus!" shouted one of Maggot's friends. That was Girr. The other two were; Frank and Stippy. They fired their arrows at Gandalf. "Grahr!" screamed Girr. Gandalf easily deflected the shafts with his staff. _Twang whack thud._ The one arrow shot towards the hobbits. A hobbit fell over and died before he hit the ground. The arrow had shot him in the head.

"You will be killed!" screamed Gandalf "Volley!" The hobbits ran to their stations. The bowmen fired their shafts screaming with rage. The arrows clattered harmlessly against the house. "Light 'em up!" yelled their commander. The hobbits set flame to their arrows. "Fire!" The arrows whistled through the air. They hit the wall of the house. and began to burn. _Good thing I soaked the wall with water._ Thought Maggot.

"Fire!" shouted Maggot. The friends shot their bows and hit true. Three hobbits lay dead in the battlefield. A low trumpeting noise was heard. The armies stopped firing shafts at each other. Someone screamed.

"The Bucklanders! They've come to fight!" screamed the army of Gandalf. Only when the Bucklanders fired their arrows at them did they realize; they've come to fight _us._ A mighty bloodbath occurred. The Bucklanders fought and killed bravely.

"We have come to kill Gandalf the Capitalist!" they cried. "Death! And charge!" Stippy ran out to fight. He grabbed sword and a wooden shield. He was slain fighting Gandalf; Gandalf killed him with Glamdring, the sword. Girr still shot his yellow shafts out into his enemies. Maggot grabbed a sword and his family shield.

"Release the dogs! Send them out to kill!" shouted Maggot to Frank. Frank ran outside to the pen that held the dogs. An arrow hit him in the back. He fell over and pulled the pin in the gate. Another arrow whizzed into Frank. He stood up and charged his attacker; he never made it.

The dogs ran out into the war. Barking insanely and biting everything they fought. Maggot put up poles in the door. The Bucklanders were having success by riding stolen ponies onto the army of Gandalf. Gandalf shot his staff at the house. "I will have this house! You are under siege!" Gandalf broke open the door with five blasts from his staff.

"Come out and fight, you cowards!" shouted Gandalf to Girr and Maggot. "Or I'll come in myself!" The two defenders ran outside shooting bows and waving their swords.

"DEATH!" they screamed. Gandalf slew the two rushing hobbits, but not before he got some arrows in him and a few cuts from Maggot's sword. The Bucklanders had their steeds shot from under them and were killed immediately. The war for Maggot's Farm was over.

Gandalf took no prisoners, even Old Took was killed. "We have won my people! We are obviously the favor of the gods!" The hobbits cheered and screamed with passion. "We have won our first war. We will continue to win! We will conquer Middle Earth!"

The hobbits cheered more and more. "First we must find the traitors; Frodo and Sam. Go now and kill them!"

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Frodo and Sam

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"'Ey! Mr. Baggins. Where are we going? They had passed through Maggot's crops a week ago. They were joined by Merry and Pippen.

"We are going to the 'Prancing Pony' or some weird pub."

"Really!" asked Merry

"Yes."

Pippen stepped in dog shit. "Oh gad dammit."

"Haw-haw!" laughed Sam

_Whooooooooooooooooosssshh… whooooosh…._ "I think we should geroff the road." said Frodo shakily.

"Whatever."

"Get off the road! Quick!"

"But there is some mushr-!"

Frodo pulled his friends underneath a large dead tree. A huge fat hooded man rode up to the tree. He jumped off his hellish steed causing a minor earthquake and… sniffed.

Frodo grabbed for his ring. He tried to slip it onto his fat finger, but Merry hit him in the face. Blood spurted out of his nose. The fat rider looked at the flowing stream of blood coming from the roots of the tree. He got down close and started lick the bloodstained roots. "Holy shit." whispered Sam. The fat hooded rider sat up and screeched "Bloody Mary!" in it's language. It sounded like a pig being speared by a sword to the hobbits.

Pippen threw the mushrooms away to the right. The huge fat man flew after them. "RUN!" screamed Merry.


	10. X

X

(Notice: if you are easily offended by religion and other people not believing in whatever you believe DO NOT READ THIS CHAPTER!)

"AAHH!" screamed the four, being chased by a huge man on a hellish steed was not cool. Frodo could hear his friends behind him laughing stupidly and screaming stupidly. _They think this is a game? Fools!_ Frodo ran double time.

Soon Frodo tripped and fell in a pile of fresh dog crap. His three friends ran away in front of him. The fat man lumbered up… _BOOM! BOOM!_ Went his feet on the ground. Followed by a series of quick footsteps. _BOOM- BOOM-BOOM-BOOM…BOOM! _"Yeh! Don't hurt me!" squealed Frodo.

"I will not," said the fat cloaked man

"Why?"

"Because."

"Why?"

"Because."

"I know; that's why I'm asking."

"Huh?"

Frodo had his chance! The stupid man was confused by an old hobbit trick. Frodo got up and ran. "Because you have shit on your face!" called the fat man. Frodo licked his face. _Crap ain't half bad… yummy. _

"Frodo! Frodo, over here!" called Pippin from a gondola. Everyone shouted support for Frodo when he stopped and looked at the water. "Jump high!" shouted Pippin.

"Alright! Here goes! RAHR!" Frodo flew up from the dock and landed on the gondola. They all looked back. Three fat guys on horses ran by screeching.

Sam yelled at them, "Too bad you can't jump very high, or else you could get in the gondola with us. Hah-hah!" The three men looked at each other, then looked at the gondola, then nodded. They all soared over to the gondola. Sam's reaction changed, "O fu-." but he was cut short, the three men flew to them, but didn't make it.

"AHH! It burns! OW!" screamed the men as they fell into the water. "Hey, this stuff doesn't burn… it kinda feels… good…" one of the hooded men said. The other two bopped him and whacked him.

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Gandalf the Capitalist

"Hey! I need some brave hobbits to come and hunt Frodo down! Who is willing?" yelled Gandalf. Four hobbits came up and nodded that they were going to go. "Anyone else!" boomed Gandalf. Only one more hobbit raised a hand. "Ah, good! Now, go and hunt them down!'

Little did Gandalf know that the last hobbit to raise a hand was a Bucklander. He was going to do a martyr.

Gandalf cheered and screamed at the hobbits, telling them how he loved them. The Bucklander edged his way to the center of the crowd; acting like he was going up on the stage. He activated his charges.

A hobbit ran on stage. The hobbit murmured to Gandalf and pointed to the Bucklander. Gandalf squinted and nodded. Seven arrows hissed towards the Bucklander. He fell dead, never completing his mission for his religion.

The hobbits screamed in terror and stepped back from the dead body. "People, people! No need to panic! I have information that he was a martyr. Do not worry!" The hobbits stopped and listened.

"You, your family, your dog, and your pillows are under attack, under attack from Bucklanders. They are wicked and evil, they want to eat your cows and dogs alive! Their religion is not Christian! We must flush out the freaks and make them Christians!" cried Gandalf defiantly.

"Hey! I'm a Hindu! You got something against me? Come and get me!" shouted one of the hobbits.

"I'm a Jew! You gonna kill me!"

"I'm a tree-worshiper! I worship trees. Fuck you!

"Kill them my people! We need a coexisting community here!" screamed Gandalf with rage. The Christian hobbits ran to fight a crusade against… well everybody! There was soon graffiti on the walls that read 'Fu Catholics' and 'Suck it bible thumpers'.

Meanwhile the hobbits that volunteered to find Frodo had already set off. Gandalf led the Christians against the Jews and everyone else.

(Notice: Readers, I am not a believer of anything… I am not making fun of anyone in any way. I am just writing about Crusades and the government of the U.S.A. This story is obviously outrageous and incredibly stupid, so I repeat, I am not, in any way shape or form making fun of your religion or beliefs. Thank you.)


	11. XI

XI

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Notice: Hello. After a long time of not updating I figure I will.

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Frodo and company

The hobbits snuck around in the woods and crept up to the door. After three flying men try to kill you it can kinda mess with your mind. "Dude, we should go in there," said Merry. He pointed to a door with arrows sticking out of it. Frodo looked at him like he was the weirdest guy in Middle Earth.

"What I mean is," continued Merry "That this is Bree and that we should go in there dude."

"O!" agreed everyone else. They all ran up to the door and pounded and banged on it.

"KNOCK-KNOCKK! WHO'S THERE? UM! RIBBIT! AH, UH… RIBBIT WHO? RIBBIT DOWN BOYS!" screamed Pippin retardedly. After Sam told Pippin all about knock-knock jokes they did what they were bid. The hobbits ripped the door down.

"Hey! Stop!" shouted a man from inside. They all stopped abruptly. "Okay come in!" The hobbits looked at each other and went inside. They ran to a pub called the Prancing Pony.

"Dude, is Gandalf here?" asked Merry to the manager.

"Like, who, man?"

"Gan-dalf."

"O, like, the geezer."

"Yeah."

"I haven't seen him since, like, an hour ago."

"O…" said the four hobbits. They went and bought drugs from cheap vendors. After a while Merry got up and wanted more drugs, but didn't have the money. Then he got a mischievous expression painted across his face.

"Got some shrooms here!" Shrooms! Shrooms for sale!" cried Merry.

"What are shrooms?" asked a man in a corner.

"Delectable, bite-sized, and full of protein. Dude, I don't know, I just found them growing on my foot."

The men scrambled for the new drugs except the guy in the corner. Merry bought a pint of something and drank it all. Pippin got pissed and ran to buy a pint himself.

Later Frodo heard Pippin say "Sure I know a Baggins, Frodo Baggins. He's a friggin' cousin 45 times removed on my mother's side… No don't touch me there! GAH!" Frodo ran as fast as his fat body would allow, wasn't very fast.

"Pippin!" shouted Frodo

"Whoa, steady on now!"

Frodo knocked into Pippin and, being the wuss he is, fell to the ground screaming. His ring flew into the air and fell, miraculously, on Frodo's finger. He vanished. The men sexually harassing Pippin stopped licking him and gasped with horror as the saw Frodo disappear.

"Cool." said the dude in the corner.

Frodo reappeared by a table after doing the impossible; pull the Ring off without using anything. The guy in the corner grabbed him and threw him up into his room. Meanwhile outside four fat guys cloaked in black rode black horses through the town looking for the Ring.

The guy who was in the corner asked "Why are you here Frodo?"

Frodo said "Well it was in the story so I had to, Aragorn… you didn't have to throw me into the wall."

"Fuck you. Gandalf never even asked you to come here."

"Bu-!" The slamming of the door and Sam screaming at Aragorn interrupted Frodo. Aragorn explained to Sam, Merry, and Pippin that they didn't have to do this scene.

"Ohhhh…" said the hobbits.

CUT TO SCENE IN RIVENDEL!

"Ehhh…" said Frodo. "Who the hell are you!" A guy with a long beard looked at Frodo.

"I don't know what time it is, but I do know that it will be October in about five months," said the weird guy.

"We couldn't get Gandalf to tell you what time it was so we got him." Elrond gestured at the old fart in the corner mumbling to himself. Frodo nodded. "Don't do that weird anime crap. Nodding and making weird noises of understanding." said Elrond angrily.

"Okay."

"Well anyway, you need to go see the counsel and take the Ring to Mordor and whatever." Elrond walked down the stairs and smoked some weed. Frodo's eyes grew, really, with a passion of … gayness."

Bilbo ran to the room and made that weird-demon-Satan-monkey-look and tried to steal the Ring from Frodo. He then whimpered and ran off. The old guy got up with a fart and stepped out with a wink at Frodo. Frodo dressed in very nice Elven clothes that didn't even fit, he was too fat.

The counsel began and Gandalf showed up. The Saxons crushed his entire empire. The hobbits going on a mission to create Christianity worldwide failed. The hobbits trying to capture Frodo and his companions turned out that they actually didn't know what the hell they were doing and were eaten by Cavemen when asking for directions.

The old fart posing as Gandalf talked to Gandalf.

"How are you?" asked Gandalf.

"Peachy." said the guy

"Great, I'll stop by for dinner sometime."

"Alright. See you later Gandalf."

"See you Merlin."

Merlin got on his horse and rode off. Gandalf then resumed the Counsel, which started out at the argue part. Everyone got up from eating and talking merrily and began to shout and debate over the Ring.

"I will take the Ring to Mordor." finally Frodo said. With that he hopped off his seat and pulled on the Ring. He obviously disappeared. He did mischievous stuff all over the place. Cutting Gimli's beard, annoying Gimli, spitting in everyone's food, sleeping in hot elvish girl's beds, cutting Gimli's nose hairs, and annoying chickens.

After being kicked in the shin by a mysterious force, Gimli grabbed something invisible and started beating the figure repeatedly. Days of abuse from an entity can make you rather pissed.

Gimli screamed with rage as he saw blood spurt out of the figure and hit him harder and harder. He knew it was not an entity, but Frodo! Soon the figure of Frodo could be seen through the layer of blood covering him.

Elrond and Gandalf wrestled the form with a lubricant to slide the ring off. TO BE CONTINUED WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY LATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRR!


End file.
